The Seeker

https://forstarlite.blogspot.com/2020/02/honesty-sucks.html

What is the truth?
On the surface, one would assume the answer to that question would be a simple one.
But then you think about how to answer, and how to answer proves to be tricky.

What is a lie?
Well, that's easy.
It's intentionally and knowingly not speaking the truth.
When you tell a lie, you know you are being misleading. It's not always with malicious intent, but the fact remains, a lie is easy to define: it's not telling the truth.

But what is the truth?

Mom likes the old saying:
"there are three sides to every story. Yours, mine and the truth."
Thing is, 'the truth' as we know it can be subjective. New information can change what we know to be true (think of how new scientific discoveries can render textbooks redundant, etc).

There is a whole school of philosophy dedicated to decoding WHAT exactly the truth and reality are.
Read the wikipedia page on truth, and it's enough to make your head swim.

So perhaps, the simplest way I can think of defining it is:
The truth is that which most accurately represents reality according to the facts that we know, or can reasonably trust, are proven to be true/ right/ valid/ correct.

Remembering that the truth can shift with new information.
Lies don't.
What we know to be true, aka our experienced reality, and what is the truth (what is truly going on) can be two very separate things.
And, with new information, what we believe to be the truth can change.

I'm sure you know the story of the shadow on walls?

Thing is, a lie remains a lie.
New information can reveal to us that what we thought was a truth is actually a lie.

And it is possible to find out that what we believed to be a lie at one point is actually the truth.

But that is for those receiving information.

How often is it that we tell what we know to be a lie to discover that what we said was true?
Practically never. Because when we choose to tell a lie we are aware that we are manipulating what we know to be true.

Insanity and fantasy
One of the markers of an insane person is they are unable (or unwilling) to tell the difference between what is real and what is not. When one is delusional, your belief in a made-up reality trumps the 'real' world in front of you, which you could observe if you chose to, but don't.
On a deeper level, such people have rejected the real world in favour for their fantasies. The sad thing is, they are almost always completely unaware that they have done so. Making it very hard to prove to them that they are wrong, because you'd literally have to break down their reality. And that is a very scary thing to experience.

Sanity, identifying reality and the importance of hope
Rational, sane individuals, on the other hand always seek on some level to be able to tell the difference between reality and fantasy.

We happily entertain the idea of faeries, Father Christmas and the world of make-believe in our children because we know the power of imagination is an excellent agent of hope, allowing us as adults to transform a dreary existence into one of possibility.

But we also know that its not dangerous to entertain these fantasies because as our children grow older, they will be able to learn the difference between whats is real and not. Their imaginations will be able to move from fairy tales to visualizations of possible futures worth perusing.

It will also be an important lesson in learning to tell the difference between stories and observable fact.

So... what is the point of saying all this?

You said "everybody lies...
This is the universal truth. Why were we given the ability to fabricate realities in our minds?
Because the honest good reality is boring or it sucks."

I disagree.

Why were we given the ability to fabricate realities in our minds?

Imagination is what truly separates us from animals.
As far as we know, we are the only beings on earth, and possibly in all of existence, with the ability to create an alternate reality in our heads.
This ability to "fabricate realities in our minds" is the source of all creativity, all art, all ingenuity, all progress, all development. It is what makes us human. It is what every human achievement has been built on: the power to imagine something that isn't and figure out how to make it become something that is.

Deception, however, is NOT a solely human trait.
We see it everywhere in nature.
From moths with giant "eyes" on their wings to Cuttlefish which alter their appearance to blend in with their surroundings to hide from both predator and prey.

Deception in nature is about survival.

And in most cases, it's the same with people. Only, combined with our powerful imaginations, we take our powers of deception to a whole new level.

Yes... sometimes we lie to ourselves and others to distract from a mundane or unpleasant existence ("honest good reality is boring or it sucks").
And yes, everyone does lie at some point or other, intentionally or not, with both good and bad intentions. Sometimes to add colour to the world, sometimes to protect our interests or those of others.

Thing is, MOST people try not to lie (to deceive) as much as is possible.
Our herd/pack/ tribe instinct has taught us that being untrustworthy means the herd will reject us. Leave us vulnerable. Alone and out in the cold. It's safer in numbers. And so it's safer to be trusted than not.
Unless we are careful, lies can be found out. Keeping up the story of a lie means having to remember more than one version of events ALL. THE. TIME. Make a mistake, and you get caught out.
Have that happen consistently, and you get singled out.
And then you're out in the cold alone.

Honesty is the best policy.
That statement is generally TRUE.
(Sometimes it's not. When deception means more overall good for a loved one or the herd (and not our own selfish means) than the cold hard truth, then it may not be the best policy.)

Yes, everybody lies.

But most people TRY not to have to lie.

Having the reputation of being a lair is one of the worst reputations a person can have.
Sadly, and I have tried to warn you about this in so many ways...

You already have the reputation of a being lair.

I think you have no idea how much of what you say reeks of bullshit.
People see it, they smell it, they know it.

You think you're outsmarting everyone.
I'm sorry, you're not.

If you had any idea how many people have picked up on your constant shiftiness, I think you would be shocked.

Want some proof?
Look back at your work history...
Think about how your relationships with ALL former employers have ended.
There is a pattern.
Have you ever noticed it? Picked up on it?
Because I've never seen you try to alter it.

They all follow the same pattern towards the end. The same instability as your lies start to mount up and people start to cut ties.

Maybe that's something to think about.

There is a reason that those with untreated ASPD generally move around a lot. They can't stay in one place too long because eventually people catch on to them and they become social outcasts. They have to keep moving to greener pastures with new victims because people wisen the F up.

NO ONE likes to be played the fool, and as smart as you may think you are, people pick up on the lies. You literally have to make the active choice to work out what being a more honest person who doesn't play pointless stupid mind games looks like and then WORK to be less of a wolf in sheeps clothing.

And THAT is why you NEED to work with a professional.

You CANNOT expect yourself to work this out alone. You might be able to, but I think that's an unfair expectation to place on yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with having a professional assist you to be a more functional, productive, trustworthy member of society. <3

And yes...

In all these situations, these people did, in a way, lie to you. They were not 'honest' by not calling you out on your lies.
Instead they tried, as politely as possible, to get rid of the person who they felt they couldn't trust not to try BS them.
Maybe they should have called you out. But people generally dont do that because doing so would be unpleasant. They don't know how you would react, if you would even listen and learn, or just retaliate and take revenge.
This is why, instead of calling deceit out, most people choose to just try avoid it in the future.

And once broken, trust is VERY hard to restore.

"Going through my history and looking at how I have behaved over so many years it's staggering to discover just how much of it is pretend."

WHY DO YOU LIE? WHY IS SO MUCH OF IT PRETEND?

Are you bored?
Do you like feeling like you're superior when you think you've gotten away with presenting a 'pretend' truth?
Is reality THAT boring? If so, why?

Maybe that's also something for you to think about.

"why does everyone else do it while claiming that their favourite attribute in people is honesty."

Here is an analogy:
From time to time, all drivers speed.
But not all people who have driven fast are speeders.

Someone who is seen as someone who 'speeds' is seen as someone who consistently drives recklessly. Whose speed is a hazard to both themselves and other cars on the road.

If you generally drive responsibly and have to speed to get somewhere asap for some reason, you wont be labelled as a person who is a reckless driver. You may have been driving recklessly but you are not a reckless driver.

Same with lying.
There are all sorts of reasons why people lie.
And, from time to time, I think it is fair to say that EVERYONE lies.

But not everyone is a liar.

A liar is someone who regularly and deliberately/ actively chooses to lie as opposed to tell the truth. Even when there is no real reason to have to lie or benefit to having taken the risk of telling the lie.

Their default is lying like the speedster's default is just driving fast because they're in the habit of driving recklessly fast, not because there was any reason to have to drive fast outside of doing it for its own sake.

Lying pathologically
I do not say it lightly when I say you lie pathologically.
You have often given the impression of almost being addicted to lying just for the sake of it.
There are times you have said stuff to other people and I've just thought "Why the hell did he lie about that?"

When - and I truly hope it is a when - you start going to therapy, this is one of the areas you should definitely address.

Pathological lying is one of the simpler indicators of a serious personality disorder, including but not limited to anti-social personality disorder. It was your pattern of lying that actually lead me to start investigating ASPD years ago.

Fortunately it is treatable with proper therapy, but only if you WANT to work on it.

"Everybody loves Sheldon on a screen but actually living with such a person would be intolerable."

Ja, because he is a self-centered dick.

They love the childish niavity of his behaviour.
But he is an adult who CHOOSES not to go to therapy and learn to manage himself.
He does make attempts to try, but they're generally self-serving and attempts to get his way and further his own interests.

Society is collaborative.
The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
So long as that is true, society functions well, grows and expands, with people living good and fulfilling lives.
The pursuit of selfish gain at the expense of others always results in rot and decay.

Purely self-centered behaviour such as Sheldon's is frowned upon because it literally hurts us a as a species.

it sucks to realise I even lie to myself.

Ja, so does everyone.
Which is the whole point of self growth, mindfullness, etc - to try learn how to live a life in harmony with ourselves.

For so long I believed I was more than I am, believed that I was in some way special. truth is I'm not.

I know...
It's a really hard thing to face.

What you may not realize is that most people actually go though this.
We are told when we are little that we are special. Mommy and daddy loves us more than all the other children in the world.
AS we grow older we tell ourselves that one day 'they' will see that we are special. All those people who overlooked us will come to realize that we contain something truly unique. We are better, smarter and have more to offer than our peers. We know it. And one day.. THEY will all know it too.

Learning that we are not as special and unique as we think , while still having much to contribute is one of the cornerstones in development of the self.

When I was studying Psychology at Rhodes, we were introduced to the stages of development though life. And when we were learning about the 5th stage, which begins in our teens and can last into our 30s, it hit me like an unwanted ton of bricks when I realized that the above realization is one that all young people are confronted with as part of their process to trying to work out who they are and what their role in society is.

About the Psychosocial stages of Development:

"Erikson maintained that personality develops in a predetermined order through eight stages of psychosocial development, from infancy to adulthood. During each stage, the person experiences a psychosocial crisis which could have a positive or negative outcome for personality development.

According to the theory, successful completion of each stage results in a healthy personality and the acquisition of basic virtues. Basic virtues are characteristic strengths which the ego can use to resolve subsequent crises.

Failure to successfully complete a stage can result in a reduced ability to complete further stages and therefore a more unhealthy personality and sense of self. These stages, however, can be resolved successfully at a later time."

https://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html

You're welcome to read up on the different stages (here is a decent summary I've always found the concept of the final stage fascinating... but we'll return to that later...)

Unfortunately I can't find something specifically mentioning what I am looking for, but I remember it being discussed in class and being in our textbook.

But basically one of the crises we face during the "Identity vs. Role Confusion" stage, is that of having to work out what our purpose is. And part of that is realizing that we're not as magically special and unique as we think.

And, boy, did it suck realizing EVERYONE goes though this in some way or other.

So yes. you ARE special.
But you're also not.
And that's ok.

"I was given the almost exact set of starting attributes than most humans. I cannot do anything that they cant do. all those things are just fantasy."

Never lose sight of the fact that you were given a good starting advantage.
We take these things for granted, but really shouldn't:

You were born into a country not at war
You never went hungry
You had a good education
You can read and write
You are of reasonable intelligence
You are creative and adaptable
You have ALL your appendages and are not physically or mentally disabled in any way (this is really really significant and gives you a massive advantage)
You come from a relativity stable background
You now have enough skills to support yourself financially
You own your own transport
You own your own access to the internet, which allows you to work from anywhere

You can do a lot
And you have the ability to make a meaningful contribution to society while supporting yourself and living a fulfilling life on your own terms.

That is a lot. :)

"The thing we dream about to comfort ourselves with the faint belief that we will one day be able to do those magics.
Even if you had magic, what would it bring you?"

Thing is, you CAN do magic.
Perhaps not the magic of wizards and potions that we believed in as children.
But every day magic....

While we both know the book "The Secret" was a little over the top, airy-fairy and new-agey, we also know that that book revealed a fundamental truth, being 'you attract what you think'

The same applies to one of the other books from the same series:

The magic, by Rhonda Byrne

Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it - Roald Dahl

Remember when you were a child and you
looked at life in total wonder and awe? Life
was magical and exciting, and the smallest
things were utterly thrilling to you. You were
fascinated by the frost on the grass, a butterfly
flittering through the air, or any strange leaf or
rock on the ground.

You were full of excitement when you lost a
tooth, because it meant the Tooth Fairy would
be coming that night, and you would count
down the days to that magical night of
Christmas! Even though you had no idea how
Santa Claus could get to every child in the
world in one night, somehow he did it, and he
never let you down.

Reindeer could fly, there were fairies in the
garden, pets were like people, toys had
personalities, dreams came true, and you could
touch the stars. Your heart was full of joy, your
imagination knew no limits, and you believed
that life was magical!

There is an exquisite feeling many of us had as
children, that everything is good, that every
day promises more excitement and adventure,
and that nothing could ever thwart our joy for
the magic of it all. But somehow as we grew
into adults, responsibilities, problems, and
difficulties took their toll on us, we became
disillusioned, and the magic we once believed
in as children faded and disappeared. It’s one
of the reasons why as adults we love to be
around children, so that we can experience that
feeling we once had, even if it’s just for a
moment.

I am here to tell you that the magic you once
believed in is true, and it’s the disillusioned
adult perspective of life that is false. The magic
of life is real – and it’s as real as you are. In
fact, life can be far more wondrous than you
ever thought it was as a child, and more
breathtaking, awe-inspiring, and exciting than
anything you’ve seen before. When you know
what to do to bring forth the magic, you will
live the life of your dreams. Then, you will
wonder how you ever could have given up in
believing in the magic of life!

You may not see reindeer fly, but you will see
the things you’ve always wanted appearing
before your eyes, and you will see the things
you’ve dreamed of for so long suddenly
happening. You will never know exactly how
everything weaved together for your dreams to
come true, because magic works in the
invisible realm – and that’s the most thrilling
part!

Are you ready to experience the magic again?
Are you ready to be filled with awe and
wonder every day like when you were a child?
Get ready for the magic!

......

The following passage comes from the Gospel of Matthew in the Holy Scriptures, and it has mystified, confused, and been misunderstood by many people over the centuries.

“Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.”

You have to admit that when you read the passage it appears unjust, as it seems to be saying that the rich will get richer and the poor will get poorer. But there’s a riddle to be solved in this passage, a mystery to uncover, and when you know it a new world will have opened up for you.

The answer to the mystery that has eluded so many for centuries is in one hidden word: gratitude.

“Whoever has gratitude will be given more, and he or she will have an abundance. Whoever does not have gratitude, even what he or she has will be taken from him or her.”

By the revelation of one hidden word, a cryptic text is made crystal clear.

Two thousand years have passed since those words were recorded, but they are as true today as they ever were: if you don’t take the time to be grateful you will never have more, and what you do have you will lose. And the promise of the magic that will happen with gratitude is in these words: if you’re grateful you will be given more, and you will have an abundance!

From the Koran the promise of gratitude is equally emphatic: “And (remember) when God proclaimed:

‘If you are grateful I will give you more; but if you are ungrateful verily my punishment is indeed severe.’”

It doesn’t matter what religion you follow, or whether you’re religious or not, these words from the Holy Scriptures and the Koran apply to you and your life. They are describing a fundamental law of science and of the Universe.

It’s Universal Law

Gratitude operates through a Universal law that governs your whole life. According to the law of attraction, which governs all the energy in our Universe, from the formation of an atom to the movement of the planets, “like attracts like.” It’s because of the law of attraction that the cells of every living creature are held together, as well as the substance of every material object. In your life, the law operates on your thoughts and feelings, because they are energy too, and so whatever you think, whatever you feel, you attract to you.

If you think, “I don’t like my job,” “I haven’t got enough money,” “I can’t find my perfect partner,” “I can’t pay my bills,” “I think I’m coming down with something,” “He or she doesn’t appreciate me,” “I don’t get along with my parents,” “My child is a problem,” “My life is a mess,” or “My marriage is in trouble,” then you must attract more of those experiences.

But if you think about what you’re grateful for, like, “I love my job,” “My family is very supportive,” “I had the best vacation,” “I feel amazing today,” “I got the biggest tax refund ever,” or ”I had a great weekend camping with my son,” and you sincerely feel the gratitude, the law of attraction says you must attract more of those things into your life. It works in the same way as metal being drawn to a magnet; your gratitude is magnetic, and the more gratitude you have, the more abundance you magnetize. It is Universal law!

You will have heard sayings like, “Whatever goes around comes around,” “You reap what you sow,” and “You get what you give.”

Well, all of those sayings are describing the same law, and they’re also describing a principle of the Universe that the great scientist Sir Isaac Newton discovered. Newton’s scientific discoveries included the fundamental laws of motion in the Universe, one of which says: Every action always has an opposite and equal reaction.

When you apply the idea of gratitude to Newton’s law it says: every action of giving thanks always causes an opposite reaction of receiving.

And what you receive will always be equal to the amount of gratitude you’ve given.

This means that the very action of gratitude sets off a reaction of receiving! And the more sincerely and the more deeply grateful you feel (in other words, the more gratitude you give) the more you will receive.

............................

The Magic formula:
1. Deliberately think and say ‘Thank You’.
2. More deliberate ‘Thank You’, more gratitude feeling.
3. More gratitude feeling, more abundance.

Full book here:
https://nivethaviews.files.wordpress.com/2018/01/magic.pdf

............................

Ok, so obviously, this is a little over the top.

But the fundamental truth is true:
The world becomes more magical when we see it though the lens of gratitude.

If you choose to see the world as reality just being boring or sucking, then that is all your world will ever be.

“When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies with yourself.” - Tecumseh (1768–1813) SHAWNEE NATIVE AMERICAN LEADER

............................

"Even if you had magic, what would it bring you? I would still be afraid of dying."

Remember the Psychosocial stages of Development from earlier.

When we learned about the final stage in our psychology class, I was filled with a deep sadness, but also gratitude that this knowledge would empower me to look at the elderly with a new empathy.

This stage is called: Integrity vs. Despair

As the steady beat of Time moves us towards an inevitable death, those who are older increasingly are forced to face the reality that they will soon die.

While is it true that we are all aware that we could actually die at any time, when we are older, this goes from a possibility to an inevitability.

And that can be truly mind-numbing. I don't think there is anything more depressing in the world.

One by one, your friends, peers, loved ones, childhood friends... all die.
Throughout life, we go to funerals, and as we grow older, we begin to realize that each funeral we go to brings us closer to our own.

When you're 60, 70, 80 and you buy a new car.... you buy it knowing you might not live long enough to ever buy another.. or even fully pay this one off.

To those who are facing this inevitability, their life stage crisis is that of either falling into hopeless despair or finding a way to remain optimistic even in the face of this inevitable death.

As conscious mortals, this is a horrible reality that we must all all face, must all find a way to struggle against. To find a way to feel satisfied that we have lived a life worth living, and not give up hope and lose the last time we have.

"Erik Erikson believed if we see our lives as unproductive, feel guilt about our past, or feel that we did not accomplish our life goals, we become dissatisfied with life and develop despair, often leading to depression and hopelessness.

Success in this stage will lead to the virtue of wisdom. Wisdom enables a person to look back on their life with a sense of closure and completeness, and also accept death without fear."
https://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html

In a way then, we owe it to our older selves to peruse a life well-lived, so that when we lie on our death beds, we can sigh our final breaths, at peace with the world. Welcome death as an old friend rather than be racked by depression and angst over time wasted.

You are not alone in your struggle.

And, as sad as it is, it is good and healthy that you recognize your mortality.
You are not a child anymore, and denying the inevitability of death will not stop Time's drum or magically exclude you.

But accepting it will free you to pursue a life where the time you do have has meaning, however much that may be. A day, a week, the next 80 years or perhaps...1000.

"So how the hell do I go from being a religious person... to being a practical one?"

I think you made a good start at answering that question yourself:

"Need to smell the roses. Look at a path and walk it, not dream of teleporting to the end. "

It is so good to realize that teleportation isn't the way to live...
People say that "life is a journey" have a point. What they mean is that it is the experience of living, of GOING ALONG that path that IS the experience of life.

Only problem with that analogy is, it's a road to WHERE? What's the point if all you do your whole life is travel? No wonder you want to skip to the destination, stop wasting time travelling. The end is where it is AT.

So maybe I can offer a better analogy:
Life isn't a journey.
Rather...

Life is a dance.

Living is like listening to music.
We don't exist for the end.
We live for the experience of living.
Just like we dance for the experience of dancing and listen to music for the experience of the song.
Not the end.

I love this talk...
and hope it can help with an answer of sorts...

Do you play games to finish them, or experience them?
And, here is an interesting question...
With games that have no end, like Minecraft how do you derive pleasure from it?

"Maybe it's the people that don't have magical fantasies or don't dream that become successful in this life because to them they just see a path to be followed. I dunno"

Maybe its those who learn to hope, dream, use their ability to visualize what COULD be and then actively pursue the creation of that reality that become successful.

When you think about it, that is literally how every single house in the whole world has been built, when you think about it.
There wasn't chance, but intention. A visualization, a plan and then the implementation of the plan (with a whole host of snags along the way).

"Fuck, living is difficult."

Yep.
Also... beautiful, fascinating and wonderful.

Would you have enjoyed Dark Souls if all characters died in one hit?
Would that game have been rewarding?

Is ANY game without challenge fun?
Why should life be any different...?

"I'm glad I could be open with you for the first time in 10 years,"

I wish you could put your ego aside enough to realize what a kick in the gut that is to be on the receiving end of.

Not that you finally were honest to a degree.

But that you were ok with not being before.

"Was it to lighten my own soul or was it for your benefit. In the end, I think its because you needed to know. It bothered me too much that you were judging me incorrectly. "

So, selfish reasons then.
Not because you want to be a better, more honest person who doesn't play mind-games to make you feel better about yourself rather than putting in the work so that you can actually be proud of who you are and not need petty mind games.

"I think I want you to know exactly who you are choosing to spend your time with moving forward. I want to be harsh and matter-of-fact your sister's BF. I want to be someone who sees things for what they are, sees himself as he is without any imaginary fluff."

Being truthful and honest and recognizing reality doesn't have to mean being boring, harsh and bland.

When you choose to recognize reality for what it is, and then see it though the lens of gratitude, the world becomes colourful in a whole new way.

But instead of being artificial and painted in deceit, you get to view the world from the perspective of grounded hope and possibility. Which is just so much more colourful!

And so much more rewarding.

The Seeker

Pages

Sunday, 23 February 2020

old pictures

Living in a world where anything could be untrue

I want...

Saturday, 22 February 2020

A story about bravery, about courage, about fear, about oppression... of selfless humanity

honesty sucks: A response

So... what is the point of saying all this?

The magic, by Rhonda Byrne

Life is a dance.

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