I want
to be held
to be kissed
fingers tracing my spine
breath on the nape of my neck
kisses in the small of mt back
my breasts held, stroked, squeezed, the under-breast kissed.. warm tongue tickling the skin.
I want to be set upon the counter
my ankle kissed
kisses slowly moving up
a pause for eyes to meet deeply
and be kissed
I want to be pressed up against a wall... or a window
with a view
and feel...
I want to be a goddess
I want to be touched like I am the only thing in the world
I want to be held
and lose myself
I want to breathe and heave and seethe and sigh
like the ocean
its waves caressing the shore
I want to dance
fingers entwined
I dont want to worry about STDs and condoms and unwanted pregnancies
I dont want the reality that the world is unsafe
that now that the bandage concealing the wound of emptiness has been removed, all that remains is scars and blood and raw flesh exposed to the elements
I want to fall in love
be swept away by the tide of passion
I want to make up for time wasted
time lost
time taken
time I'll never get back
now that my numbed senses are starting to wake up
and i'm letting myself feel
my entire being feels consumed by what I want
I wish you hadn't lied to me for so long
I wish I hadn't let you fool me
I wish I had chosen to live in a false reality of factless belief
I'm not mourning the death of a future
or the loss of a lover
I think I'm mourning the time I wasted
Stupidly giving away my love and energy to someone who lied so much I never knew what was real.
Who took and took
Who I devolved into a toxic mess of a person around
Who was ok with living in filth
and destruction
and decay
Who would push my legs apart
and take filthy images that made my skin crawl
Who wanted to hit me
instead of caress me
Who wanted to cover my face
instead of kiss it
shove a gag into my mouth rather than let me kiss his spine
who preferred a motionless doll
rather than erotic passion
who took more than could ever be given back
something broke in me in September on that day
worse: its gone
that person who loves sunrises
and soaks in the view
who loved sitting outside in the early morning, celebrating the fresh air and the birds chirping
and was consumed by the beauty of the waves
she cant be fixed
because
shes gone.
I feel like, every time I try to feel like that, it's only the imitation of what the experience was before
I cant remember how I used to see such colour and possibility in the world
You're wrong.
honest good reality isnt boring and it doesnt suck
or it didnt use to...
now honey might as well be cardboard
We are approaching March
Marking 6 months I have felt like this
half a year since the core of my soul gave up
broke. died.
I want that part of me back.
I want to be alive.
